Sunday 6 June 2010

The Church 100m Sprint

If ever the Olympics people are looking for a new event, perhaps they could consider some version of the after-church dash. It's a tremendous display of athletic prowess, which is so far untapped. I'm sure you've seen it, but let me fill you in on what i'm talking about.

A person arrives significantly late for church, sits in the very back row, and avoids interaction as much as humanly possible. Then as soon as the magic 'show's-over' words are spoken, the person begins to leave. Fair enough ... but not if the church sprinter has their way.

Despite the automatic headstart gained by sitting in the very back row, the person's subtle exit will be no match for the lightning speed of the sprinter. Faster than a cheetah shot out of a cannon, from the back seat of a Ferarri, the sprinter engulfs their victim before he/she crosses the foyer/outdoor boundary (which will be the official finish line when this goes Olympic).

Asking the church sprinter why they do this will often result in an answer like 'i want to show them i care' or 'it's part of loving one's neighbour'. It's an interesting view of loving someone ... doing the exact opposite of what they want.

You see, most sprinters are extroverts and simply don't get the concept that someone might want to be left alone. But even the most shy people, if they want to have a conversation, have subtle ways of showing they are open to someone approaching them.
1-Mobile phones. Turning on, checking texts, sending texts (or pretending to).
2-Reading the pew bulletin (again).
3-Reading the notice board.
4-Retying a shoelace (if all other methods are exhausted).

So, if someone arrives late, leaves ASAP, and gives none of the "please-talk-to-me" clues, then please do them a favour. Forget the ambush and capture. If you really love them, set them free.

(Or maybe start training for those 2016 Olympics :)

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